Why does transition spin you backward/forward/sideways and never let up?

I’m in my last 3 weeks in the Philippines (at least for the foreseeable future), and I cry all the time. If you know me one bit, you know this is out of character. I’m not emotional, sympathetic or sentimental, yet these past weeks I could cry at you tube clips or photos on Facebook, which was actually the culprit of my last pity-fest.

Transition, of course, is to blame (not to mention those pesky female qualities that I typically avoid on a daily basis – like feelings). I don’t just cry about leaving, I cry about not being at home too. Weird, considering I will be there in 5 weeks. This last weekend my little sister Kassen graduated from university and the whole family was present. I balled looking at pictures on Facebook of the event, especially of my nephews and niece. It felt awful for not being there, but I know being here is hugely important for my students and saying “later” to my friends. In fact, I cry when I think about leaving my friends. What a twisted or, to use a vocab word from this week, contorted time.

I’m not writing this blog to have a pity party, although it may seem like it to some; and I am not writing to bring an element of cathartic release to my life either. I am writing it because it’s real – and I want, above all, to be genuine.

Transition is one of those things that everyone experiences from time to time; it just seems to happen more often on the mission field. You’d think I’d be used to it by now, but I don’t think it is ever something you get “used” to. Sure, I can say goodbye properly and leave things reconciled and look forward to where I’m going, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard.

I’m finding my biggest problem is not the move forward but the looks behind. I know God’s plan for my life is there waiting, I just don’t want to loose touch with the past or get stuck in it. What’s the healthy treatment of your past experiences and relationships? Comparison between past and present is unfair, living in the past makes for a very depressing present, and forgetting the past seems like cheating the present and those left behind. I’m working on finding a balance, but thinking about it gives me a sense of anxiety and hopelessness – which, in turn, reverts to anger. I’m working on giving it all up to God but my iron grip seems hard to loosen and the closer I get to leaving, the tighter that grip becomes.

So it all boils down to – I don’t have an answer for this moment in my life. I try to end blogs with some sort of lesson learned or element of understanding, but sorry folks, this one doesn’t have any. It’s just a way to let you know where I’m at. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy. I love my life and what God has done for me here. I’m just in transition, which essentially, I think,means a little bit lost and bewildered (another vocab word :)).

Transition won’t last forever, but for now I’m just going to have to, as one of my favorite UK comedies “Miranda” jokes, “bear with.”